Perfectionism vs High Standards: Why the Difference Matters More Than You Think

If you’ve ever felt like one small mistake could ruin everything - from a typo to a missed deadline - you’re not alone. Perfectionism can feel protective, but it often fuels procrastination and blocks our natural flow. In this post, I’m exploring the difference between perfectionism and high standards, how it shows up in the body, and what it really takes to move forward with more ease.

Last week, I opened one of my own emails and noticed the title was completely unrelated to the message.

I started giggling.

You see I’ve noticed that a lot in my work lately - links not working correctly, the wrong subject line added, a glaring typo which makes the English graduate in me cringe. 

And while I would prefer not to have all these little mistakes, they also make sense for where I’m at right now. 

A Season of Creative Chaos

I’m in a creative phase where most of my energy is going towards development. I’m building a ‘Procrastination FIrst Aid Kit: A Gentle, Nervous System Friendly Guide to Help You Get Unstuck’. I’m also writing an email mini series to help you get momentum going, and a 3 month coaching container for women who are ready to move beyond procrastination and into aligned action.

Along with this I also work part-time. And freelance. And I even did a festival bar shift at the weekend (which was super fun). 

So when it comes to writing my weekly content, I’ve intentionally been giving myself a short window. I treat it as a space to let my ideas flow - which means that sometimes, little things slip through the cracks.

What Changed: From Panic to Perspective

The reason I laughed out loud when I noticed last week’s mistake is because I realised how differently I handle things like this nowadays. If this had happened a few years ago - when I still identified as a perfectionist - I’d have spiraled. I’d have cringed, obsessed over the mistake, and maybe even questioned whether I should be sending emails at all. 

The reason that many of us struggle to give up on perfectionism, even when we know it’s harming us, is because we think that it also means giving up on having high standards in our life. 

But this is not the case. And understanding the difference between the two can radically change how we approach our work and our lives. 

High standards are clear, meaningful expectations you hold for yourself or others that aim to support excellence, growth, or alignment with your values. High standards are values-based and internally anchored. It says “I care about doing this well”. 

Perfectionism is a belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable, and that your inherent worth is at risk unless you meet these high standards. Perfectionism is fear-based, and it’s usually externally driven. It’s how we learned to keep ourselves safe when we weren’t accepted for who we are. It says, “If I don’t do this perfectly, I don’t deserve to be here.” 

I had strong perfectionistic tendencies as a child and I can clearly see how this was a learned behaviour: 

• My mum is a perfectionist and I learned to mirror that. I learned that it’s normal to be harsh to ourselves, especially if we lose something, forget to do something, or upset someone else. 

• I grew up as an only child - while my parents were not strict disciplinarians I do think that being an only child meant I felt I was more ‘observed’, and if I was ever in trouble I felt like I was the only kid in the world that ever did something wrong. Without siblings to share my parents’ attention, I often felt like I had more to live up to. 

• I was a super sensitive child and I was very intimidated by teachers and authority figures. Getting told off was completely overwhelming for my nervous system, so I learned that the best thing to do was to just never do anything wrong - ever. 

• I wasn’t very popular in school and I had very low self esteem. I was terrified to say something silly or uncool and get made fun of, so any time I wasn’t around my friends I largely stayed quiet. Ironically this made me incredibly awkward, and made it more likely that I would attract unwanted attention. 

• I performed well academically - and so I was expected to always perform well academically. Teachers were used to me always getting an A on every test - so I only attracted attention if my grades dropped. I felt like I had to always perform highly in order to be myself. 

Doing things the ‘right’ way - whether in school or at home - felt like the only way to ensure that I was loved, accepted and valued. 

What Perfectionism Feels Like in the Body

My nervous system learned to associate making a mistake with being under threat. This turned life into a high stakes environment, and it discouraged me from taking risks - especially in social situations. Because the thing I feared the most was rejection from others. I had learned that unless I was meeting certain (very high) standards, I wasn’t allowed to exist in the world. 

This is the biggest difference between perfectionism and high standards. High standards are a preference for things to be a certain way, it’s something we align our choices around and build systems and processes to ensure. If we don’t meet them, we adjust and move on. Whereas perfectionism is a core belief which says our existence is at risk unless we perform, achieve or behave in a certain way. 

On the surface, and to those around us, these two approaches may not look vastly different. But what’s happening in our bodies usually reveals the truth. 

When perfectionism is triggered:

• Your muscles are tense and tight, your heart rate is elevated and your breathing may be shallow. You carry all the physical symptoms of fear, even if you’re just doing your usual day job, or entering a social situation.

  
  

• If you notice a mistake you’ve made you may feel intense sensations - your stomach plunging and your heart racing. Your mental chatter might also intensify, full of self critical thoughts. It feels like a disaster and you dwell on it for a long time.

  
  

• You might feel frozen when you try to do something new - learning inevitably involves mistakes, so your body stops you from getting started to avoid this risk.  

When you’re living from high standards:

• You generally feel relaxed and engaged with your work, even when working at intensity. If you notice mistakes you might feel mildly irritated, but your focus remains on the work you’re doing, and on how to improve your systems moving forward. 

• Making a mistake feels like a normal occurrence. Depending on the severity you might feel disappointed or guilty, or you might feel nonchalant about it. But you feel able to handle the feelings that come up, and they pass by. You may reflect but you don’t dwell for a long time. You’re willing to apologise for your behaviour if you’ve done something wrong, and you commit to learning from it in the future. 

• Trying new things feels fun and exhilarating, even if you do them badly to begin with. You can laugh at yourself, and you’re more likely to improve quickly because you get more practice in. 

The Solution Lies in Creating Safety

I like having high standards for myself in the areas of my life that matter to me. 

I hold myself to certain standards around how I treat other people because I want to be a kind and compassionate person. I want to do the work that other people have trusted me with well. I like to pay my bills on time, keep my space relatively tidy and look after my body. To me, these are all ways of showing respect for myself, my space, and the people I care about.

But when perfectionism creeps into the mix that’s when I know that a young part of me feels threatened - a part that didn’t feel safe to just be herself. This part of me sees making a mistake as life threatening because she genuinely didn’t think it was okay to exist in a state less than perfection.

No wonder my body freaks out when this part is in charge - it thinks I’m about to die at any moment! 

This is why creating safety is essential if we want perfectionism to stop running our lives.

And I would argue that this is necessary if you have any big goals that requires learning new skills - because learning is messy, it’s supposed to be, and anything worth doing is going to be built on the back of plenty of mistakes and failures. 

Creating safety involves teaching your body that when it makes a mistake, you are still breathing, you are okay, and nothing is coming to harm you. This can look like: 

• Grounding yourself. Consciously feeling your feet on the ground when you’re doing something difficult. This is a cue to your nervous system that the chatter in your brain is not the only thing happening right now, and that you are okay. 

• Slowing Down. Working or moving more slowly. Urgency and fear tends to speed us up, consciously slowing down can send the signal that we are safe. 

• Celebrating like a toddler. Treat yourself like a toddler learning to walk when you’re doing new things. Applaud every tiny win, don’t focus too much on the errors, give yourself a big hug if you fall or cry, and breathe through the big feelings. 

• Appreciating Mistakes. Intentionally look out for ‘errors’ in nature and recognise that you are part of nature too. Look at the beauty in fallen trees and feel the natural compassion that arises if you spot an injured animal.

Over time this teaches your body that mistakes are normal, acceptable and not a threat to our existence. You can still have high standards - but you can leave behind the gut wrenching fear or not measuring up. 

Coming Soon: A Gentle Guide for When You’re Stuck

The Procrastination First Aid Kit I’m creating is rooted in this exact work — helping you notice the ways your nervous system is trying to protect you, and gently guiding you back to safety, movement, and momentum.

If you’ve ever felt frozen because you’re afraid of getting it wrong, this is for you.

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And hey — bonus points if you spot a typo in this post. 😉

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