Release, Stabilise, Create

Most have us have been taught that "powering through" is the best way to handle difficulties - but what if that isn't true? When you're caught in quicksand, releasing the struggle is the first step to getting free. Turns out the same is true for life.

Do you remember how often quicksand featured in kids shows in the 90s and 00s?

‘Goosebumps’, ‘Are you Afraid of the Dark’, ‘Looney Tunes’ - all these shows had me convinced that quicksand was going to play a very big role in my life.

So of course, I took very careful mental notes about what to do!

First it’s important to stop struggling! Often that’s exactly what the other kids would be yelling to the one who’d managed to get stuck. Struggling only made them sink faster.

Next, take a breath and calm down. Even though this is a dire situation, you need to have your wits about you, so slow down and focus.

And finally, very slowly start to free yourself - take off any extra weight like a back pack, wiggle a little to create some space between you and the sand, and spread your weight out so gravity stops pulling you downwards. Gradually you’ll find your way out.

I’ve never come across quicksand in real life.

But it turns out these lessons are still pretty useful.

Because while I may not have fallen into a real pit of terror, I’ve certainly found myself ensnared in plenty of traps in my own mind. And it turns out the same principles for getting free still apply.

Step 1: Stop Struggling

I can’t count the number of times when I realised that I was exerting enormous amounts of energy struggling with a strategy that just wasn’t working.

• Like when I made ridiculously ambitious Spanish learning plans and ended up doing none of it but feeling guilty all the time.

• Or when I started running and kept pushing myself too far too fast, over and over again.

• Or when I realised I was trying to grow my business at a rate it wasn’t ready for and my nervous system was screaming at me to slow down.

We can tell the difference between simply pushing ourselves a little outside our comfort zone, and truly struggling. When it feels like you’re having to force yourself through every single step, and you’re feeling more exhausted and less inspired by the day, that’s a sign you’ve ended up in struggle town.

Stop.

That’s all you have to do first. Don’t try to figure out the next steps. Just release the struggle.

Step 2: Stabilise

All that struggling has left you depleted.

You may be feeling drained physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Before you can try out a new strategy, you need to let yourself stabilise and recover.

This might involve taking a break and letting yourself genuinely rest.

Or it might be a shift in perspective.

When I realised I’d been turning my year abroad in Spain into a massive struggle with my high expectations, my ‘stabilising’ moment came from adopting a new attitude. I decided that while I did want to become a shit-hot Spanish speaker, I cared even more about enjoying this amazing opportunity to live in the beautiful city of Almeria.

So after releasing the long list of Spanish learning tasks I’d given myself, I spent a little while really intentionally enjoying the little things about my experience - a coffee beside the beach, my morning commute, a fun evening with my international friends.

Once I was feeling a little more calm and grounded, I was ready for the next step.

Step 3: Create the conditions for success.

People are often afraid to give up the struggle because they think it means letting go of their goal completely.

This isn’t the case.

It’s more about letting one strategy fall away, so that you can make space for a new one.

In quicksand, the goal is to take steps that make it easier for you to free yourself.

And when it comes to pursuing a goal, an effective strategy is one which makes it easier for you to move towards the thing you want.

The feeling of ease, flow and satisfaction are usually a sign that you’re moving in the right direction, even if you appear to be moving slower than in your earlier attempts.

It took my ego a while to accept that it was going to take longer than a few weeks for me to be able to run a 5k. But once I did, I slowed down my pace, added more walk breaks, took rest days seriously, and suddenly running got a whole lot easier.

Creating the conditions for success is about looking at the framework you’re operating in, and choosing the one that works for you.

• Think about how your attitude is affecting you. A perspective of “I must get this done” might sound good on paper, but if it’s creating stress and pressure then it isn’t working for you. Instead you could try “I trust that I’m moving in the right direction, no matter how long it takes.”

• Consider what systems and structures create simplicity. Dedicating one hour a week when you know you can sit down and work towards your goal is more effective than trying to work on it everyday but never managing to because you’re being overly ambitious.

• Choose a pace that feels right. Choose a rhythm which creates genuine momentum - not too much, not too little. To learn Spanish I ended up signing up to a once a week Spanish class and doing homework for it two days per week. This was far less work than the original plans I made - but the difference was I actually stuck to it, so I ended up doing a lot more!

• Meet your needs. Often a strategy fails because it doesn’t take into account our needs. Perhaps your study plan doesn’t have enough variety, or you’ve been ignoring the fact that you prefer group workouts rather than exercising alone. Consider your unique needs and take them seriously.

• Think about your identity. This one can be subtle but important. When we’re in the struggle phase often we identify as “someone who is trying to do X”. This means we can never relax, because every missed workout, or skipped study day shows up as evidence that we are failing in our attempts. Whereas when we decide that we already ‘are’ the person we’re becoming, this reduces tension, and also makes action feel more natural.

“I am a runner - so of course I would join a running club.”

“I am a runner - so of course I set time aside in the evenings to run.”

“I am a runner - so a skipped workout isn’t a big deal, I’ll just run tomorrow instead.”

This can be a tough one to get your head around, which is why I cover it in the first training in the Procrastination First Aid Kit.

When you create the right conditions, success becomes natural and inevitable.

That’s exactly why top athletes hire coaches, dietitians and physiotherapists to help them along the way. They know it isn’t just a case of working harder - it’s about creating an environment where their body is able to work at its optimum.

I’m really curious to know - what “quicksand” have you been struggling with lately? And do you think these steps could help you to climb out?